you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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