How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
