Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
