My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
