My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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