do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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