He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
