we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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