Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
