My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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