Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize