I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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