the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
