Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
