I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
