sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
