Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
