I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
