even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
