I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize