hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
