i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
