just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Success! We fucked roommates!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
