I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The adults are the big ones right?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
