just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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