Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
one might say we're banned from that church
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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