Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
try to milk me bitch
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