home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
