My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
