The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
