Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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