Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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