tell your sister to shave her snatch
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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