I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
