I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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