Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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