my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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