I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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