i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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