my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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