I have demons in me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
worst night to have a conscience
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize