I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
