I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
is that a dick in a sweater?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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