I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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