More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
"it" just moved
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
