last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
