I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
