i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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