Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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