Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
