I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
being pregnant is like rehab
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
