I hate all girls vehemently.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
