the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
