I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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