If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
