If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
