dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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