just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize