I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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