After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
