fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This baby is an asshole
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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