best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
