Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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