My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
