Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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